Arranged Marriage or Love Marriage?

5 Shares 5 Shares ×

We often receive questions from our readers via email and Facebook on various issues seeking Godly guidance. Not all topics or issues justify a blogpost however ‘Love marriage versus Arranged marriage’ is one of the sensitive topics that I am frequently asked about and hence I thought of sharing my thoughts via a post.

arranged-love-marriage

Mind you, this may be completely redundant to some of you who are a part of a culture that permits only either; that becomes beyond the scope of this post. For others, I encourage you to keep an open heart and leave room for lot of grace as we try to deal with these tough issues. After all, the intention is not to take sides but try and find some solution to a genuine problem that the current generation is facing.

What Happens in Arranged Marriage?

Arranged marriage (for those who are not familiar) is the marriage arranged by the parents of the couple. Most of the times the proposal is brought over a meeting or in case long distance – through photographs. Once the parents are happy with the prospects of the other partner, then the families speak and arrange the marriage.

In parts of the pentecostal culture where arranged marriage is prevalent, love marriages are considered to be a taboo.

What I Believe

I do believe God can use parents to find the right life partner for their children and I have seen great examples of the same.

But, a word of caution…

One of the critical issues that parents of this generation have to pay attention to is the fact that times have changed drastically. The present generation is well educated and informed, largely influenced by their friends’ circle and prefers self decision making from selecting a mobile phone to selecting a life partner.

Now that gives you, parents a greater challenge. It puts you in a spot where it is certainly not fair for to say, “Do it because I say so”. It also puts you in a responsible position of explaining to your children, why you believe what you believe and how God’s Word supports your view, remembering that Scriptures can’t be taken in isolation or quoted out of context.

What the Bible Says?

One of the stories that is most quoted in support of arranged marriage is that Isaac’s servant brought Rebekah to Isaac and they happily lived ever after. Now there is more than one problem with that story. Like, it was Isaac’s servant who brought the proposal, and not his parents. And Isaac’s servant could also be interpreted as representing the Holy Spirit thereby eliminating the need of a marriage arranged by parents.

To use a single example of marriage in the Bible as a model for other marriages is quite scary and not justified. For example: the first marriage in the Bible was not a proposal, it was love at first sight!

Another time, the Benjamites were asked to lie ambush in the fields and steal dancing women as their wives. Ahem, ahem… we cannot quote that one right? (Judges 21:21)

Another time, Hosea the prophet married a prostitute. Well I am sure you don’t want to use that illustration either!

So Which is Right?

My thoughts are simple:

We could still continue to argue that ‘arranged marriage is from God and love marriage is from the devil’, and while we are busy doing that, our young people are still going to do what they think is in the best interest for them (and we can only hope that they will at least be Bible-based choices!!).

What is painful is that, while we live in our own world that seeks to please the society, we ignore our own children and then condemn them for making wrong choices. May be your son or daughter would have not ran away with that godless person if only he/she knew that you were open to reason.

Another biggest argument against love marriage is that they have resulted in divorces. But the truth is that today even some of the best looking arranged marriages have had the same end.

So May be We Need Another Solution?

Set expectations. Instead of fighting for arranged marriage or love marriage, could it not be easier that parents have an open talk with their children of what they must expect in their life partners?

You cannot stop your children from falling in love but the least that you could do is to teach them what are the qualities they must look for in the man or the woman they seek to marry?

This would serve a problem because most of the arranged marriages are finalised based on colour, job, property etc. Sadly, the prospect being a believer and hardworking is no more good enough!

With due respect, I believe great parents will be the ones who are willing to accept anyone who is caring, hard working and most of all, Jesus loving. Rest of the issues like family background, caste, denomination, colour, riches should not matter.

Teach Them Values

More than telling your children what they must look for the most in their spouse, it is best to live it. When they see how God fearing and loving your family has been, it will automatically teach them to desire for a God fearing and loving person.

Nothing can put them off more than telling them that you are more worried about what others say. Because your children are more important than these ‘others’. And sadly, others will always have something to say somehow and anyhow.

If I could sum it up I’d say, being parents is great but being parents-cum-friends is greater!

I want to have parents that I am not afraid to go and open up my most struggling issues with. Then there in that end of the tunnel there will be light.

A Word to the Young People

It is always good to honour your parents and I sincerely hope that God will bring the right person into your life through your parents.

However, if you feel that you like someone, first and foremost I encourage to you seek God’s will. Then it is always honourable to first share it with your parents. Irrespective of whether they will accept it or not, it is your responsibility to share it with them.

Then pray that God will help them understand why you like that person. And then continue to pray and believe that “if God is in it“, He will make all things work together for your good.

Hey parents, what else would you add to this? Young people, what would you add?

PS: This post apart, if you have any questions or doubts regarding any issues, we have especially created a forum for you. Feel free to ASK!

 

5 Shares Twitter 0 Facebook 0 Google+ 5 Buffer 0 Pin It Share 0 Email -- 5 Shares ×

Have a thought or a comment?

Discuss with the GTH community here in the comments box below! We value your comments, even your disagreements, as long as you are courteous.

Thank you for adding value to this post!

Want your picture next to your comment? Sign-up for free at Gravatar.

[©Revive Nations. In using this article, link back to this blog, do not alter wordings or charge for it.]

  • http://twitter.com/robinflyhigh Robin Singh

    Dont have much to tell but this is a nice head start for me :)

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      :) That’s great Rob! And we look forward to God’s perfect time for blessing you with that new phase!

  • robinflyhigh

    Dont have much to tell but this is a nice head start for me :)

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      :) That’s great Rob! And we look forward to God’s perfect time for blessing you with that new phase!

  • http://www.facebook.com/ntulasi Tulasi Nandikolla

    Simply put together anna :)

  • Tulasi Nandikolla

    Simply put together anna :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/nikhil.stephen.daniel Nikhil Maranatha Stephen

    An essential blog required to be read by both the parents and the youngsters.

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Agree! Definitely a topic that needs to be talked about.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nikhil.stephen.daniel Nikhil Maranatha Stephen

    An essential blog required to be read by both the parents and the youngsters.

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Agree! Definitely a topic that needs to be talked about.

  • http://www.olivedose.com/ Kim D’Souza

    Very valuable post and love the way things are explained. Believe many will be blessed

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Amen Kim! May many be blessed!

  • http://www.olivedose.com/ Kim D’Souza

    Very valuable post and love the way things are explained. Believe many will be blessed

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Amen Kim! May many be blessed!

  • Isha

    Beautiful.Your advice looks like my Life-story & testimony.If God is in it He will surely make it happen (like He did for me)against all oppositions & odds.
    Thank you man of God for sharing this to enlighten & empower our generation.God bless you

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Glad to know that Isha. I hope it helps both parents and young people with a fresh light and hope to live in these times.

  • Isha

    Beautiful.Your advice looks like my Life-story & testimony.If God is in it He will surely make it happen (like He did for me)against all oppositions & odds.
    Thank you man of God for sharing this to enlighten & empower our generation.God bless you

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Glad to know that Isha. I hope it helps both parents and young people with a fresh light and hope to live in these times.

  • Annie

    I know many Christians who are super excited to hear testimonies of people from different backgrounds coming to the Lord. But they don’t want to give away their sons or daughters to someone from a ‘different background’ and sometimes even diff. castes. This is so sad when we are all one in Christ. Im happily married to a gr8 Christian who came to salvation from a “diff. background” and I must say both our parents were supportive. They had their fears but God gave them a heart to agree( The heart of the kings are in the hand of the Lord) Now they see the blessed marriage we have. “Perfect love casts away all fear”. It was authored by God and He was faithful to bring it to pass. Hearing stories frm diff. people now, I know our marriage was nothing short of a miracle. Praise God!

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Wow. Thank God for this testimony. And this is a good reminder. I hope people change. We got to keep shouting it on the roof tops till real change happens.

  • Annie

    I know many Christians who are super excited to hear testimonies of people from different backgrounds coming to the Lord. But they don’t want to give away their sons or daughters to someone from a ‘different background’ and sometimes even diff. castes. This is so sad when we are all one in Christ. Im happily married to a gr8 Christian who came to salvation from a “diff. background” and I must say both our parents were supportive. They had their fears but God gave them a heart to agree( The heart of the kings are in the hand of the Lord) Now they see the blessed marriage we have. “Perfect love casts away all fear”. It was authored by God and He was faithful to bring it to pass. Hearing stories frm diff. people now, I know our marriage was nothing short of a miracle. Praise God!

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Wow. Thank God for this testimony. And this is a good reminder. I hope people change. We got to keep shouting it on the roof tops till real change happens.

  • Samson

    Nicely written post..

    I had an arranged marriage and fell in love soon after the proposal was finalized. The way we use the terms “arranged” and “love” makes it feel like there is no love in arranged marriage which is not true.

    I think the only difference in today’s time is the channel through which the proposal comes – thru elders or self.. otherwise there is not really much difference.

    even in a love marriage there is little time to know the other person, before you start knowing you’re already head over heels in love.
    Even if there is a long courtship, it is hardly used in a responsible way, most of it is just heavily emotional and blind thinking.

    I’ve seen couples with 5 years of courtship getting married and having problems in 6 months. I wonder how they could not have envisioned that in 5 years? Blind infatuation, I guess.

    However I must add, that I have seen extremely good love marriages too.

    The bottom line remains how much we’re willing to subject our will to God’s will. And what are our “REAL” priorities.

    Even if we’re in love, routing it through parents and elders and praying sincerely for it to happen, and saying to God – “Not my will but your will be done” and sticking with it is the best way to do it.

    Routing it thru elders enables us to see many aspects that would not be noticed otherwise. And if that person is God’s will for you – He can successfully make it happen even if its routed through elders, isn’t it?

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Great share. Thank u for ur thoughts.

  • Samson

    Nicely written post..

    I had an arranged marriage and fell in love soon after the proposal was finalized. The way we use the terms “arranged” and “love” makes it feel like there is no love in arranged marriage which is not true.

    I think the only difference in today’s time is the channel through which the proposal comes – thru elders or self.. otherwise there is not really much difference.

    even in a love marriage there is little time to know the other person, before you start knowing you’re already head over heels in love.
    Even if there is a long courtship, it is hardly used in a responsible way, most of it is just heavily emotional and blind thinking.

    I’ve seen couples with 5 years of courtship getting married and having problems in 6 months. I wonder how they could not have envisioned that in 5 years? Blind infatuation, I guess.

    However I must add, that I have seen extremely good love marriages too.

    The bottom line remains how much we’re willing to subject our will to God’s will. And what are our “REAL” priorities.

    Even if we’re in love, routing it through parents and elders and praying sincerely for it to happen, and saying to God – “Not my will but your will be done” and sticking with it is the best way to do it.

    Routing it thru elders enables us to see many aspects that would not be noticed otherwise. And if that person is God’s will for you – He can successfully make it happen even if its routed through elders, isn’t it?

    • http://www.shyjumathew.com/ Shyju Mathew

      Great share. Thank u for ur thoughts.

  • KennethmyJesus

    Wonderful content……Faithful to the Word of God…..Rock on :)

    • http://www.pastorpriji.com/ Priji

      Amen!

  • KennethmyJesus

    Wonderful content……Faithful to the Word of God…..Rock on :)

    • http://www.pastorpriji.com/ Priji

      Amen!

  • Jeni Stephen

    Very apt for the questions that arise in our generation

    • http://www.pastorpriji.com/ Priji

      I agree! It is essential to answer these questions!

  • Jeni Stephen

    Very apt for the questions that arise in our generation

    • http://www.pastorpriji.com/ Priji

      I agree! It is essential to answer these questions!

  • Thomas

    The advice which you given to the youth is good “It is always good to honour your parents and I sincerely hope that God will bring the right person into your life through your parents.” I appreciate it.

    But brother, as a matter of fact I know many incidents where arranged marriages became failure because of their parents were looking only for the financial gain from dowry. I know many parents who said that accepting dowry is their right since with great difficulty they brought up their kids, in spite of objection from their kids against accepting dowry. Kids who respect their parents are becoming speechless in front of them and forcefully getting married to some one with whom their parents selected and ending up in an unhappy married life.

    Every parents have a dream about their kid’s marriage and the kids should understand that factor and take the parents guidance for the marriage. At the same time Parents should understand the kids mind & their choices. Also they should realize that kids are going to stay with their wife and if they want to get a peace of mind in their married life, more than money, partner should have a God fearing and prayerful life even if they don’t have so much wealth.

    Since the technology is so advanced, kids should get an ample time to understand their partner each other by talking to their partner over phone or chatting through net etc before finalizing the marriage quickly. I think this period of understanding each other may reduce the number of divorce which is happening in the very early stage of marriage.

    I don’t think love marriage is wrong. If some one fall in love they should discuss with their parents and make sure the partner is God fearing and have prayerful life and conduct the marriage with their parent’s blessings. My sister and cousin sister had a love marriage and last 20 yrs they are living happily since they chose a a guy with God fearing & prayerful life and their parents conducted their marriage as per their wish.

    Love or arrange marriage, if you give priority to God (Christ oriented) as first quality in the life of the partner of your kid and the decision does not hurt the feelings of their parents, it does not make any difference. Jesus Christ will give them a good happy married life.

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Thank you for your share Thomas. This is definitely a topic that both parents and youngsters are struggling with. As we walk with God and maintain our obedience to Him, we can trust that His good plans for our lives will be fulfilled in His time.

    • Marilena Fackerell

      Hi brother, I liked your post but I have one question. Do you believe it is right for the parents to have a dream for the marriage of their child, or for what they should do in career, etc. Do they have a right in God to put their own dream on their child and push them in that direction or is that only God’s right?

  • Thomas

    The advice which you given to the youth is good “It is always good to honour your parents and I sincerely hope that God will bring the right person into your life through your parents.” I appreciate it.

    But brother, as a matter of fact I know many incidents where arranged marriages became failure because of their parents were looking only for the financial gain from dowry. I know many parents who said that accepting dowry is their right since with great difficulty they brought up their kids, in spite of objection from their kids against accepting dowry. Kids who respect their parents are becoming speechless in front of them and forcefully getting married to some one with whom their parents selected and ending up in an unhappy married life.

    Every parents have a dream about their kid’s marriage and the kids should understand that factor and take the parents guidance for the marriage. At the same time Parents should understand the kids mind & their choices. Also they should realize that kids are going to stay with their wife and if they want to get a peace of mind in their married life, more than money, partner should have a God fearing and prayerful life even if they don’t have so much wealth.

    Since the technology is so advanced, kids should get an ample time to understand their partner each other by talking to their partner over phone or chatting through net etc before finalizing the marriage quickly. I think this period of understanding each other may reduce the number of divorce which is happening in the very early stage of marriage.

    I don’t think love marriage is wrong. If some one fall in love they should discuss with their parents and make sure the partner is God fearing and have prayerful life and conduct the marriage with their parent’s blessings. My sister and cousin sister had a love marriage and last 20 yrs they are living happily since they chose a a guy with God fearing & prayerful life and their parents conducted their marriage as per their wish.

    Love or arrange marriage, if you give priority to God (Christ oriented) as first quality in the life of the partner of your kid and the decision does not hurt the feelings of their parents, it does not make any difference. Jesus Christ will give them a good happy married life.

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Thank you for your share Thomas. This is definitely a topic that both parents and youngsters are struggling with. As we walk with God and maintain our obedience to Him, we can trust that His good plans for our lives will be fulfilled in His time.

    • Marilena Fackerell

      Hi brother, I liked your post but I have one question. Do you believe it is right for the parents to have a dream for the marriage of their child, or for what they should do in career, etc. Do they have a right in God to put their own dream on their child and push them in that direction or is that only God’s right?

  • teena sheen

    Arranged or love, we shall go with what the Spirit reveals. God can bring the person through any ways, we just have to stay tuned to the Holy Ghost. Because He shows the truth only. And marriage will last only if Christ is in it..

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Absolutely! The guidance of the Holy Spirit is vital to every direction in our lives. We can never wrong when we’re in tune to His leading.

  • teena sheen

    Arranged or love, we shall go with what the Spirit reveals. God can bring the person through any ways, we just have to stay tuned to the Holy Ghost. Because He shows the truth only. And marriage will last only if Christ is in it..

    • http://www.twitter.com/MelPhilipnery Melanie Philipnery

      Absolutely! The guidance of the Holy Spirit is vital to every direction in our lives. We can never wrong when we’re in tune to His leading.

  • Lourdhanathan Sebastian Enoch

    Bro it was very helpful to understand the difference .. but finding someone as partner is really a difficult task. But you well said every thing under God’s will finally ends up with.. all people seek God for good partners he will show you ways.

  • Lourdhanathan Sebastian Enoch

    Bro it was very helpful to understand the difference .. but finding someone as partner is really a difficult task. But you well said every thing under God’s will finally ends up with.. all people seek God for good partners he will show you ways.

  • Preethi

    Another great post, bro! I wish that this post is circulated to all churches so that they get a clear idea of how to handle it when it comes to finding a life partner. A much needed post for the present day church. Thanks again, bro!

  • Preethi

    Another great post, bro! I wish that this post is circulated to all churches so that they get a clear idea of how to handle it when it comes to finding a life partner. A much needed post for the present day church. Thanks again, bro!

  • Sindhuja

    I really like this post :) I usually share everything with my parents. I trust that God’s will be done in my life when I wholeheartedly seek Him. He is a Sovereign God …

  • Sindhuja

    I really like this post :) I usually share everything with my parents. I trust that God’s will be done in my life when I wholeheartedly seek Him. He is a Sovereign God …

  • Marilena Fackerell

    How about just a God arranged marriage where both the girl and the boy seek God and fear God and ask for the right partner, then seek God for confirmation and it’s received or not. I told God at one point to make it clear to me about Michael and if He says it’s no, I will go straight away and break the relationship with him. And God knew I was 100% serious about it in my heart, I was ready to do it immediately. If your heart is 100% dedicated to do the will of God, there is not much need of either love or parents to arrange. So keep your heart with all diligence. The sad thing is that today most Christians are not in that unconditional surrender state, and that’s why they need external factors to help them make the decisions. It’s not bad to receive advice from relatives, etc, humility is part of fearing the Lord, but what if they are wrong? Are you going to ruin your life in order to listen to them. My maid that I had in India did just that, even though a prophet who knew nothing about her situation came and told her that her family are trying to put a guy on her and it’s not from the Lord. It was happening right when the prophet said it, but she did not listen. On the other side, others let the love they feel for the person make the decision rather than God or they think something is God’s will if they are in love. Wrong, have seen it quite a few times as a pastor’s wife, people totally destroying their lives marrying out of love, not out of God. So in the end the responsibility to find the right partner in life belongs to you and your unconditionally surrendered heart, which wants no less and no more than what God wants for you. I know ladies who married a man in Romania because God told them and they did not even like the looks that much of the man, they wanted you know, a Tom Cruise or similar (though they were not that amazingly good looking themselves). But they put their desires aside and married who God said. Now on 2 cases I am thinking of, they are both pastor’s wives and have a wonderful family life. Just have a totally surrendered heart, don’t focus on finding a life partner, focus on your heart issues and let God do the rest. It’s after all the second most important decision of your life after receiving Christ, as Joy Dawson, leader of YWAM said – because it will affect you for your lifetime, your children and your children’s children. You can’t let this decision be taken by your relatives or by your mere feelings that today are there and tomorrow might be gone, but what God puts together tends to last a lifetime.Happy heart searching!

  • Marilena Fackerell

    How about just a God arranged marriage where both the girl and the boy seek God and fear God and ask for the right partner, then seek God for confirmation and it’s received or not. I told God at one point to make it clear to me about Michael and if He says it’s no, I will go straight away and break the relationship with him. And God knew I was 100% serious about it in my heart, I was ready to do it immediately. If your heart is 100% dedicated to do the will of God, there is not much need of either love or parents to arrange. So keep your heart with all diligence. The sad thing is that today most Christians are not in that unconditional surrender state, and that’s why they need external factors to help them make the decisions. It’s not bad to receive advice from relatives, etc, humility is part of fearing the Lord, but what if they are wrong? Are you going to ruin your life in order to listen to them. My maid that I had in India did just that, even though a prophet who knew nothing about her situation came and told her that her family are trying to put a guy on her and it’s not from the Lord. It was happening right when the prophet said it, but she did not listen. On the other side, others let the love they feel for the person make the decision rather than God or they think something is God’s will if they are in love. Wrong, have seen it quite a few times as a pastor’s wife, people totally destroying their lives marrying out of love, not out of God. So in the end the responsibility to find the right partner in life belongs to you and your unconditionally surrendered heart, which wants no less and no more than what God wants for you. I know ladies who married a man in Romania because God told them and they did not even like the looks that much of the man, they wanted you know, a Tom Cruise or similar (though they were not that amazingly good looking themselves). But they put their desires aside and married who God said. Now on 2 cases I am thinking of, they are both pastor’s wives and have a wonderful family life. Just have a totally surrendered heart, don’t focus on finding a life partner, focus on your heart issues and let God do the rest. It’s after all the second most important decision of your life after receiving Christ, as Joy Dawson, leader of YWAM said – because it will affect you for your lifetime, your children and your children’s children. You can’t let this decision be taken by your relatives or by your mere feelings that today are there and tomorrow might be gone, but what God puts together tends to last a lifetime.Happy heart searching!

  • Marilena Fackerell

    A few other points I want to make. I feel strongly about this because as a pastor’s wife I have see too much heartache and lives destroyed because of wrong decisions in this area, and when I say too much, I am not exagerating. Even right now I have friends around me, I would say 3 at least who married the wrong person and the torture they had to go through and the limitations they had in serving God have been almost too much too bear. Considering that this life is not yours and you have to fulfil the call of God, getting the wrong partner to share life with and to stop you from fulfilling the call is a disaster.

    Regarding Isaac’s servant arranging the marriage, yes, he was sent by Isaac’s father, but he was sent to his jewish family, like being sent to the church family, it’s not a specific person he was sent to, but a group of people to choose someone from among them. Secondly, Isaac has prayed to the Lord about his decision and ask God to direct his decision. He asked for signs and confirmations from God. He did not make his decision based on his thinking, what the relatives or neighbours will think about them as a family about this choice, what the culture says, what is best in the natural, etc.

    The problem with arranged marriages in my view is that the parents do take into account what others might think of them, what would the other relatives say, if the boy has money, etc, etc and yes, they might pray, but if they mix Spirit with the flesh, guess what you get: a deception, a compromise, not God’s best.

    And as Joy Dawson said about hearing the voice of God. God will not speak about something to the person who is not responsible for that something. For example, if God thinks the young daughter or son are the ones who should make the decision and not the parent in this area, God will not show primarily to the parent what His will is in this matter. He might give some confirmation to the parents, but not the ultimate decision making.

    And as someone coming from the West and living in India 2 1/2 years and observing the culture from the outside, it seems to me that many times it is an issue of the parents not wanting to loose control over their kids, so they want to control them even in who they should marry, under the umbrella of care. I am sure there is care, but care and control together is an ugly motivation. They are afraid that if they let the kids decide for themselves than they will bring shame on the family and everyone will blame them for setting the kids free to do as they please.

    I also challenge every parent to show more examples of arranged marriage from the Scriptures than of love marriage in the Scripture. If you can, you gain the respect of your kids. If you can’t, then why should they trust you and obey you in this area that has the potential to ruin their life if it goes wrong. What about David’s marriages, Solomon, Songs of Solomon book, Adam and Eve, etc, etc. And look at the disaster of arrange marriage with Jacob who was forced to marry Leah and then Rachel and the tragedies that brought. And as I said in the post lower, it is NOT arranged marriage, NEITHER love marriage (though love is usually involved in most cases), it is GOD arranged marriage that counts, and the person most responsible for hearing God about this are the boy and the girl.

    And another thing I have observed in the culture that is not Biblical at all is this: God says: A MAN should LEAVE his mother and father, and CLING to his wife, But what I saw most of the time done in India was that the woman has to leave her parents and go and live with the in-laws and her husband. That is opposite to Scripture! No wonder so many problems between the girl and the mother-in-law even to the point of suicide! I think this again has something to do with parents wanting to keep control on their kids more than God gives them the right to as well as just simple tradition. The parents can input advice and the children should be humble and open to it, but the parents have no more right to control the kids.

    Better leave in a small modest place and start to form your own identity as a family based on your beliefs and your ways of managing the house and you can have a good marriage life. Is there any mention of the Proverbs 31 woman living with her in-laws? Yes, it’s right to help and look after your parents when they need the help, but that does not mean you have to live in their home, we can look after parents in the west without that, we just go and visit when they need the help. Then the girl can become the Proverbs 31 woman when she can make the decisions in the household.

  • Marilena Fackerell

    A few other points I want to make. I feel strongly about this because as a pastor’s wife I have see too much heartache and lives destroyed because of wrong decisions in this area, and when I say too much, I am not exagerating. Even right now I have friends around me, I would say 3 at least who married the wrong person and the torture they had to go through and the limitations they had in serving God have been almost too much too bear. Considering that this life is not yours and you have to fulfil the call of God, getting the wrong partner to share life with and to stop you from fulfilling the call is a disaster.

    Regarding Isaac’s servant arranging the marriage, yes, he was sent by Isaac’s father, but he was sent to his jewish family, like being sent to the church family, it’s not a specific person he was sent to, but a group of people to choose someone from among them. Secondly, Isaac has prayed to the Lord about his decision and ask God to direct his decision. He asked for signs and confirmations from God. He did not make his decision based on his thinking, what the relatives or neighbours will think about them as a family about this choice, what the culture says, what is best in the natural, etc.

    The problem with arranged marriages in my view is that the parents do take into account what others might think of them, what would the other relatives say, if the boy has money, etc, etc and yes, they might pray, but if they mix Spirit with the flesh, guess what you get: a deception, a compromise, not God’s best.

    And as Joy Dawson said about hearing the voice of God. God will not speak about something to the person who is not responsible for that something. For example, if God thinks the young daughter or son are the ones who should make the decision and not the parent in this area, God will not show primarily to the parent what His will is in this matter. He might give some confirmation to the parents, but not the ultimate decision making.

    And as someone coming from the West and living in India 2 1/2 years and observing the culture from the outside, it seems to me that many times it is an issue of the parents not wanting to loose control over their kids, so they want to control them even in who they should marry, under the umbrella of care. I am sure there is care, but care and control together is an ugly motivation. They are afraid that if they let the kids decide for themselves than they will bring shame on the family and everyone will blame them for setting the kids free to do as they please.

    I also challenge every parent to show more examples of arranged marriage from the Scriptures than of love marriage in the Scripture. If you can, you gain the respect of your kids. If you can’t, then why should they trust you and obey you in this area that has the potential to ruin their life if it goes wrong. What about David’s marriages, Solomon, Songs of Solomon book, Adam and Eve, etc, etc. And look at the disaster of arrange marriage with Jacob who was forced to marry Leah and then Rachel and the tragedies that brought. And as I said in the post lower, it is NOT arranged marriage, NEITHER love marriage (though love is usually involved in most cases), it is GOD arranged marriage that counts, and the person most responsible for hearing God about this are the boy and the girl.

    And another thing I have observed in the culture that is not Biblical at all is this: God says: A MAN should LEAVE his mother and father, and CLING to his wife, But what I saw most of the time done in India was that the woman has to leave her parents and go and live with the in-laws and her husband. That is opposite to Scripture! No wonder so many problems between the girl and the mother-in-law even to the point of suicide! I think this again has something to do with parents wanting to keep control on their kids more than God gives them the right to as well as just simple tradition. The parents can input advice and the children should be humble and open to it, but the parents have no more right to control the kids.

    Better leave in a small modest place and start to form your own identity as a family based on your beliefs and your ways of managing the house and you can have a good marriage life. Is there any mention of the Proverbs 31 woman living with her in-laws? Yes, it’s right to help and look after your parents when they need the help, but that does not mean you have to live in their home, we can look after parents in the west without that, we just go and visit when they need the help. Then the girl can become the Proverbs 31 woman when she can make the decisions in the household.

  • harry

    i didn’t get what you want to say through this post…love or arrange??? here what i believe love n arrange both are grt…
    God never asked us to do only arng mrg or love mrg..he asked us to do wht evr in life with pure hrt..
    so it doesn’t mttr whthr ur parents gonna aprv it or not n whthr the society gonna aprv or not….if the choice is chose by both the partners with the pure heart surely gonna be a successful cause the God gonna guard it…If not then orphans wouldn’t have the right to marry…so wht evr the choice u may chose but that must be mutual n pure n i can bet for sure that GOD gonna make it beautiful

  • harry

    i didn’t get what you want to say through this post…love or arrange??? here what i believe love n arrange both are grt…
    God never asked us to do only arng mrg or love mrg..he asked us to do wht evr in life with pure hrt..
    so it doesn’t mttr whthr ur parents gonna aprv it or not n whthr the society gonna aprv or not….if the choice is chose by both the partners with the pure heart surely gonna be a successful cause the God gonna guard it…If not then orphans wouldn’t have the right to marry…so wht evr the choice u may chose but that must be mutual n pure n i can bet for sure that GOD gonna make it beautiful

  • harry

    Due to the love marriage me you and everybody is on the earth…if on that day adam n eve weren’t fallen in love at first sight….you know what would have happened…its just the ego of the parents that makes them to force the children to go for arrange marriage i have a lot of eg of arrange marriages where the women suffered or abused or even sold and also have eg of love marriages where the couple live like king n queen its not the marriage or its way that chose your fate…its ur dignity n the mutual interest…like i say…if u chose to do something with pure heart then God will guard it…in marriage it must be mutual…nothing else matters at all

  • harry

    Due to the love marriage me you and everybody is on the earth…if on that day adam n eve weren’t fallen in love at first sight….you know what would have happened…its just the ego of the parents that makes them to force the children to go for arrange marriage i have a lot of eg of arrange marriages where the women suffered or abused or even sold and also have eg of love marriages where the couple live like king n queen its not the marriage or its way that chose your fate…its ur dignity n the mutual interest…like i say…if u chose to do something with pure heart then God will guard it…in marriage it must be mutual…nothing else matters at all

  • Jery

    Hi Members !! read you post and well i’m in a similar situation.we spoke each other and the first question which arises in both of our minds is “Is it Gods will ? ” and I shared with my parents and started praying about it, Whole family is praying.Both of our careers is totally diff she wants to work abroad cause of her Profession as Doctor and myself working with Ashok Leyland as DM. Quite confused whether GOD’s will is there or not. If GOD is willing he will make situations to be in RIght way whatever it may be .
    Believers i need a favor Could you please pray for me in this and i’ll be really thankful to GOD and Believers who are encouraging me in my spiritual life. Thanks in advance

  • Jery

    Hi Members !! read you post and well i’m in a similar situation.we spoke each other and the first question which arises in both of our minds is “Is it Gods will ? ” and I shared with my parents and started praying about it, Whole family is praying.Both of our careers is totally diff she wants to work abroad cause of her Profession as Doctor and myself working with Ashok Leyland as DM. Quite confused whether GOD’s will is there or not. If GOD is willing he will make situations to be in RIght way whatever it may be .
    Believers i need a favor Could you please pray for me in this and i’ll be really thankful to GOD and Believers who are encouraging me in my spiritual life. Thanks in advance

5 Shares Twitter 0 Facebook 0 Google+ 5 Buffer 0 Pin It Share 0 Email -- 5 Shares ×